There are 123 days left until 40.
1 – 2 – 3
and like that I will be
Over the Hill.
The hill there
It’s a curious time.
This tick tocking of clock
without labels I’ve grown accustomed to
a “Jean Val Jean” moment in time, says my husband.
“Who am I?”
1-2-3 and I will be 40.
Over the Hill.
Not Under it.
Not dead becomes a blessing when
one is 40.
Remember when dead was unimaginable, unthinkable?
When youth was a fortress of solitude with its fangs sunk into the taut skin of our necks?
Sure, there was always AIDS hanging over our upper middle class halos.
And a little bit of cancer.
But now there is cancer
It ate away at the fangs of youth — replaced them
Sunk into Breast. Stomach. Skin.
Now, there is the echo of anomaly
Brain. Lung. Ovary.
A tag. A growth. A lump.
1-2-3 and you become
Much too aware.
Too much care taken in the shower
soaping up lathering up the sides of once-breasts
Too much care taken in the reflection
smoothing sprouting silver down
Too much care taken in front of a lens
facing right, facing left, facing the side with less shadows.
1 – 2 -3 until 40.
Over Under but what about
On the Other Side
I hold out hope
that walking through the door of 40
is like opening the front door of the Gale farm
after a wicked storm.
technicolor works its magic
and life becomes more richly lived
in never before seen hues of
yellow green and blue.
* * *
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6 thoughts on “123 days”
Ah Jen, yet again, you speak to and through my heart. It is such a perfect description of my thoughts, feelings, obsessions – but the best part of all? The beauty you bring to it in the end. I also LOVE your picture of the house.
Most of us get there, and we all have to come to terms with our new set circumstances. From my observations of people, many times its relief can be found in sharing yourself with others in the same situation. I’m not talking about some kind of club either, just people in society at-large. The everyday relief.
It’s just another number, and it’s better than the alternative. 🙂
love your use of photos for this piece.
From my experience, there is no hill. It’s just an illusion.